Giant Steps

Men seem to be eternally bewildered about what colour their socks are supposed to be. It’s okay. I’m here for you. First of all, it’s always better to stray on the side of darker socks, meaning your socks can be darker than your suit. Promise me you will never, ever-ever-buy flesh-toned socks. You’ll look like you’re wearing nude panty hose and just those three words - nude panty hose - give me the heebiejeebies. When in doubt, match your sock colour to that of your shoes; it will create a seamless line. You don’t want to match socks to pants, because you could wind up looking like you’re wearing stirrup pants. Basically, if you buy yourself an army of black and brown cotton or silk dress socks, you’ll be just fine. If you want to try some patterned socks, remember to keep it simple. There’s nothing worse than a bold-patterned suit with a patterned sock.

Socks can really invigorate your wardrobe. If you’re wearing casual clothes, you can mix it up with argyles, herringbone, dots, whatever. Go ahead and have yourself a little party in your shoes. It can also be really festive to wear brightly coloured socks - purple, red, yellow, etc. - for occasions like holiday parties, but I say that with extreme caution because this can easily backfire. And just like underwear, any kind of novelty socks (sports figures, superheroes, Valentine’s cupids, Christmas trees, socks that play music, light up, etc.) are to be avoided at all costs. You should also steer clear of any sock that’s provided free of charge, especially airline socks.

Some people like wool socks for when it’s nippy out, but I think most wool socks are scratchy, hot, and tend to trap moisture. They’ve gone the way of the milkman.
They’re outdated. For the ultimate in sock luxury, you can invest in a pair of soft and cuddly cashmere socks. They’ll probably run you around $150, but you didn’t really need to eat much this month, did you? If you can’t afford cashmere socks, you can try a merino wool sock, which is a very high-quality wool, or a wool/cashmere blend. It’s almost like the real thing. Just like that nice “lady,” Suzy, you met at the Vince Lombardi service area on the New Jersey Turnpike! You remember her!

And now we come to one of the pressing questions of our times: How high should your socks be? A good quality dress sock should always be long. They shouldn’t be as long as control-top panty hose, of course, but they should always be long enough to go well up to your calf. I do not want to see the gap between your sock and your pants when you cross your legs. First of all, hopefully your pants will not be that short to start with. (Clam diggers are always the wrong answer.) Your socks should also be able to stay up without Levitra. If your socks are falling down around your ankles, making you look like you have elephantiasis, or you’re wondering where you can find yourself a good pair of sock garters like your great-grandfather Ebenezer wore, it’s time to get new socks. High-quality socks of the proper length should come up to your calf and stay there.

The only exception to the rule is the athletic sock which is a fluffy white cotton sock to be worn with an athletic shoe at the gym. Period. These socks should be shorter. You don’t want to look like a jackass with big tall tube socks up to your knees, like Kristy McNichol wore in Little Darlings. It’s not 1979, people.